Bee Gees: Reunited and it Feels so Gay

Okay, motherfuckers, you may remember that last year The LOPG sent a crew of field reporters to The Texas Renaissance Festival to document what the planet’s biggest losers do on the Saturday after the day we give thanks to our ancestors for tricking the natives into believing that we feel bad for raping their women, killing their children, and taking their land.

While Perverts everywhere enjoy college football, the outcasts of society gather in the woods to frolic together, fight with plastic swords, dance to pan flute tunes, and wallow in their collective societal stench.

This year, our reporters happened upon a Bee Gees Reunion at the Ren Fest. That’s right – The Bee Gees! Remember when they were cool? Neither do we. We’re not that old and we have never been that gay.

Barry and Robin (who has undergone a partial sex change operation) are performing today and we’ve got photographic evidence of this homo-erotic spectacle.

Enjoy!

Barry and Robin Gibb prepare for the Bee Gees Reunion Show at the Texas Ren Fest.

Robin, Barry, and Maurice (unable to attend the Reunion due to death) back in the day.

I Knew It!!

I was watching TV the other day and some guy named Jesse Jackson came on and started telling me I’m a bad guy or some shit and all I could think was, “where have I seen this motherfucker before?” so I did some research.

Wouldn’t you know it? I’ve never seen him before but I have seen Cleveland Brown.

WTF Kroger?

I’m not real sure exactly what “Meat Mania” entails and I probably don’t want to know either.

Honestly, we’re just happy that, apparently, Kroger is not allowed to say “Footlong Meat Mania”.

Fuck You, Subway!

The news that Subway has applied to trademark the word “Footlong” as it applies to sandwiches is not new.

The news broke in May when the company, whose spokesman (Jared Fogle) ran a porn renting operation out of his dorm room in college, sent a cease and desist to James Coney Island. Subway called it “a clerical error” and further stated that “footlong” is only theirs when it is applied to sandwiches.

This whole deal pisses us off.

Fuck you, Subway!

Who the hell do you think you are? What if I decide to trademark “6-inch” where it applies to your crappy food? How about I trademark “sandwich” or “lettuce” or “mayonnaise squirting caulk gun”? What will you do then, motherfuckers?

So, going forward, The LOPG will not patronize Subway. We will also use “Footlong” as much as possible.

How about the “Footlong NFL Pick of the Week” or “Footlong Tuesday Night Footlong NHL Footlong Parlay Footlong Freebie”?

We won’t change our “Pornstar of the Month” to “Footlong Pornstar of the Month” though. We’ll leave that one for Jared and his boys.

Contrary to Popular Belief…

Over the past few weeks we’ve received numerous inquiries into our stance on “The World’s Biggest Bee Hive” aka The World Cup.

For the record, The LOPG is all about that foreign game. We have to love it. “The Worldwide Leader in Hype” aka “The 4 Letter Network” aka “ESPN” says so.

And really, what’s not to like?

It’s called The World Cup even though the trophy looks nothing like a cup. That’s pretty cool.

If players screw up, they and their family members are kidnapped and killed when they return home. That’s pretty cool.

The wonderful people of South Africa blow those beautiful vuvuzelas constantly to give me something to be annoyed by other than the “nil-nil” score. That’s very cool.

Almost every “match” is a “draw”. That’s the same as Fun, Fair, Positive Soccer. Way cool.

The officials screwed the U.S. That’s pretty cool, too.

The commentators on America’s ESPN have such heavy accents that I think I’m watching a foreign broadcast. We really think that is cool.

No one (except the official, I guess) knows exactly how much time is left in the game. Fuckin’ cool!

The clock counts up and not down. This causes most people (who can’t do math without a calculator) headaches. Now, that is cool.

So, just to set the record straight, we love The World Cup and, NO, we don’t think the rest of the world is fucking ignorant for wanting to watch 22 men chase a ball for 90 (give or take) minutes, grab their nutsacks or noses every time their is the appearance of contact and worry for their lives if they lose.

We think it’s all bueno.

In fact, we’ve added a “LOPG at The World Cup” link to our “League Links” so you can browse our blog with that South African feel!

One More “Fuck You, Hossa”

A dejected Hossa suffers a Cup loss with Pittsburgh in 2008.

As a fan of hockey and specifically the Pittsburgh Penguins, I have been enamored, to some degree, with the plight of Chicago winger Marian Hossa for the past 3 seasons.

In March of 2008, the Pens were seeking a scoring winger (something they still need) to compliment the strength they possessed (and still do) at center (Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin and Jordan Staal). They found their man in a deadline deal with Atlanta. Their man was Slovakian Marian Hossa.

Hossa had proven to have All-World talent and was just the player the Penguins would need to provide scoring punch from the flank and give Pittsburgh a legitimate shot at making a deep Cup run.

Over the next 3 1/2 months, Hossa helped the Pens make that run and reach the Finals where they were beaten in 6 games by the Detroit Red Wings.

Pittsburgh and their fans (including myself) hoped that they could find a way to keep Hossa in the fold. In the final week of June, Hossa, reportedly, rejected 2 offers from the Pens. A 5-year and a 7-year offer (worth 7 million per season) were left on the table and Hossa entered Free Agency on July 1.

Hossa was signed to a 1-year, 7 million dollar deal by the Red Wings. I, along with millions of other Pittsburgh fans, was pissed.
To make matters worse, Hossa stated that his reasoning for signing with Detroit was that it gave him “the best chance to win the Cup”.

Really? I knew Detroit had a great chance to defend their title and adding Hossa made it even greater. But there was no way in hell I’d possibly buy the fact that the Wings had greater odds of winning the Cup next year than the young and talented Penguins had of winning one in the next 5 to 7 years.

Fuck you, Hossa!

During the following season (2008-09) both Pittsburgh and Detroit reached the Finals again. I was excited to have the Pens back in the Finals, but also concerned that they may fall again to the Red Wings and allow Hossa to look like a genius.

Fuck you, Hossa!

The Final turned into a grueling 7-game war with the home team winning each of the first 6. In Game 7, however, Pittsburgh muscled out a thrilling 2-1 victory (thank you, Max Talbot!) in Hockeytown to hoist the 3rd Cup in franchise history.

I remember being as elated that my Penguins were champions as I was satisfied that The Devil (Hossa) got his due.

Fuck you, Hossa!

Following the shame of dropping a second consecutive Final in unprecedented fashion (losing with each team in a Finals rematch), Hossa joined the up-and-coming Chicago Blackhawks by signing a 12-year, 62.8 million dollar deal.

This season, Hossa reached the Finals once again. This time the opposition would be the unlikeliest of foes – the seventh-seeded Philadelphia Flyers.

Hossa against the hated (by Pens fans) Flyers! Not a dream scenario for me at all.

I thought a lot about who would be the “lesser of two evils” in this matchup and ultimately decided that it was time to let the Hossa thing go. I couldn’t bear the thought of the hated Flyers raising Lord Stanley’s hardware.

In the end, Hossa’s ‘Hawks were the better team and won the Cup in 6 games. For me, the lesser evil prevailed. After all, Hossa wasn’t with the Wings any longer and it was certainly better than Philly being crowned.

Before I let this go for good though, I have one more in me….

Fuck you, Hossa!

Hossa watches his former teammates celebrate a Cup win in 2009.

Cup Final Game 6 Total

Ok, Perverts, it’s been a long road to Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final and we’ve learned a lot along the way. Today, we provide you with a little nugget of gold to give you a stimulus the government can’t match.

In the first 5 games of the finals, 4 have gone OVER the total (5 1/2) with the only exception being the Blackhawks 2-1 win in Chicago in Game 2. The first 2 games in Philadelphia (4-3 and 5-3 Flyer wins) combined to produce 15 goals (7.5 per game). There have been 40 goals (8 per game) scored in this series. When Game 2 is removed from the equation, there have been 37 goals in 4 games (9.25 per game).

Why, you ask, do we say all of this? Simple. Take the OVER (5 1/2) at -135 in Game 6.

This series has had it’s ups and downs with the home team winning each game (I’m not betting against Chicago in Game 6 however). The real constant has been putrid goaltending which is something we’re not used to in the latter stages of Lord Stanley’s tourney. This year, the netminders have been historically bad.

So, there you have it, Pervs. Take the OVER and root with your heart (and not your wallet) for Game 6′s winner. The wallet will pad itself with every light of the lamp.